I have struggled with depression previously and never admitted it until Paul and I got married and I couldn't "hide" it anymore. I sought help through counseling with a lot of things I just shoved under the rug and did take meds. It definitely helped. When I got pregnant I stopped my meds (after conversations with my doctors). I did well through the pregnancy even though my pregnancy was high risk and we had some issues. I even did well through the hospital bed rest for 5 weeks! The day before I delivered I had a meltdown and my OB was there. That was when I said I needed to go back on my meds and he agreed. Don't worry...what I am taking is safe for me to be on while breastfeeding! I also was strong through 5 weeks of their NICU stay. Once we got home, things were great! Paul was here for a few weeks to help. Now Paul has gone back to work and I am realizing I am struggling!
There is a lot with this pregnancy and delivery that I still feel guilty about. I feel guilty I couldn't carry the twins past 31 weeks. I feel guilty I had to have a c-section. Neither Karley nor Bentley cried when they came out and that was hard. I feel guilty that I got to see Karley right after delivery but not Bentley. I had to wait hours to see Bentley. The first time I saw them, Bentley was intubated and Karley had a cannula amongst other things hooked up to them. There were monitors going off that I had to listen to. I had to wait to be able to touch them. I had to wait days to hold them. It was everything but easy!!!
I have lots of anxiety about people holding Karley and Bentley and them getting sick. (I also hate sharing them.) But it has gotten way better than what it was! I have anxiety that something is going to happen to them just about all the time.
Breastfeeding has been a struggle and not at all what I thought it would be. I was exclusively pumping in the NICU and once we got home. It s*cks!!!! I hate being connected to a pump every 2-3 hours. It's even worse when we have company. They get to feed my babies their bottles, hold them, etc. while I have to into another room to be connected to the pump. I get to hear them laughing, talking, having fun, etc. while I am miserable and can't join in. I tried to breastfeed but it's super painful to the point of tears. I am now doing a mix of pumping and breastfeeding and that seems to be going okay.
I left my job as a 4K teacher to be a stay at home mom. Although I know it is the right decision, it doesn't make it any easier. I am leaving my passion, my amazing students, my wonderful co-workers, etc. It is hard but I know it will be worth it too!
Having two at home join us is tough! On Paul's work weeks I am home with them at least 19 hours by myself. He got called in early twice this week which makes it even more hours alone. The weeks he is off are freaking AMAZING. But I get used to the help, sleep, etc. and then it pretty much disappears for 7 days as he is working. Don't get me wrong... he needs to work and I get it! It's just an adjustment that has been hard!
I have been quite irritable and moody. Unfortunately I feel like Kayce has dealt with the brunt of that.
I struggle myself with my own guilt, anxiety, fears, and thoughts but then others have made comments that make it even worse. Trust me... I know they probably mean well but when I am already struggling, I take them to heart and it's rough.
Paul told me he was worried about me last night before he left for work and all I could do was cry. He has a right to be worried! Once the water works started they continued all night. I really realized I am dealing with some postpartum depression (PPD). Most people who have it struggle with not being attached to their babies but that is not the case with me at all. I love Karley and Bentley more than I ever thought possible!!!
This isn't easy for me write out, admit, and share with the world. I sit here writing this in tears. But it's real and it's part of our journey.
I know I am not alone with PPD. I have also heard many times it's something that occurs more with NICU moms.
With all of this being said, I need to make it very clear that I have never had thoughts of harming myself, Karley and Bentley, or anyone else! It isn't like that at all!!!
I have a doctors appointment Monday for other reasons but I now know this will be a topic of discussion also.
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