Having some of these new nurses is a little tough because they don't know me and the routine that the other nurses know. For example, yesterday morning the new nurses came in and informed me they got told I like to be on the monitors by 8 AM. I have NEVER been on the monitors by then and am typically not even awake until 8:30 AM. The night nurse last night (a new one) told the morning nurse I would ring when I was awake this morning so I didn't see my nurse until after 10 AM. I have never rung for the nurse once I was awake and was never told I should! It is of course minimal things but when you get into the swing of things with your normal nurses it is nice to keep it!
My nurse this morning had a high school student shadowing her. This student wants to be a nurse. My nurse stepped out to get me more water and the high school student struck up conversation with me. She was informed I have already been here for over a month. She asked when I was due and when I told her March 9th her jaw literally dropped! I told her not to worry that, I would be delivering before then! :)
Our little girl didn't monitor very well this morning. I was on the monitors for like an hour (typically it's 20-30 minutes) and she had issues doing what they needed her to do. She traced well but didn't do the excels they were looking for. She eventually did but it was still concerning as this really hadn't happened before!
I worked more on my boy cocoon and would say I am about 3/4 of the way finished with it.
I got a photo card from my cousin BJ and her family today. I also got 2 adorable preemie outfits from my Aunt Gail and Uncle Dan! I absolutely LOVE them.
Here are the new outfits:
I got to shower today which was nice! It amazes me how much my back hurts now after just a little bit of standing! I guess it's not really used to me standing anymore and we all know I just keep getting bigger and bigger! :)
Okay now it's time for me to be real..... I have kept things pretty positive and sounding good but I will admit I have hit a wall and have become overwhelmed. The past 3 days have been quite emotional for me and the emotions are sooo mixed! First of all being on hospital bed rest for 32 days isn't easy and it's finally getting to me. I just want to be done! With that being said, I know that our end is very close in sight (approximately 9 days away) but that is bringing a lot of emotions too! Part of it is because I had envisioned a different delivery than we are now faced with and it's hard to accept that. I am scared of a c-section, unsure if our babies will come out crying, and nervous to see them for the first time because I guarantee they will be hooked up to things and I am not looking forward to seeing them like that. And speaking of them, we aren't faced with just one preemie but two!!! I am just nervous, scared, excited, overwhelmed, etc. all at the same time mixed with my wonderful pregnancy hormones! With that being said, I have tried to hide it the past few days but decided enough is enough. My OBGYN walked in today earlier than normal and caught me in one of my crying moments and I just lost it. Honestly it was for the better! He has been very understanding from the get go and was through my crying fit too! I explained I am just scared and nervous and unsure of what to expect. He informed me that I don't really need to be scared about the babies as at almost 31 weeks they will be fine. He said he understood about being nervous about the c-section as it is surgery but that is also a very routine surgery too that they do daily. He said it's tough to be in my position and even a lot of the nurses have said they would have went crazy a long time ago! He asked if I wanted to switch rooms and I told him that I didn't really want to as we don't have much time left. He then told me he was going to get a nurse to get me a wheelchair ride out of my room and I agreed that would be nice. It was nice to just have it all out on the table and off my chest. I also called Paul afterwards and admitted things to him too. Of course he told me could tell I was off the past few days! :)
My nurse took me on a wheelchair ride out of the unit. It was the first time since I have been here that I have left the unit!!! We explored the hallways, gift shop, and I was able to get Starbucks. She told me that she thought this would be something that would occur every other day if not everyday from here on out. I think it will help to keep me a little more sane!
My yummy Starbucks drink:
Paul has been busy at home putting together all the baby items we got. He sent me pictures of the things today. Our house had some baby items in it when I left but I know we have gained sooo much more. It is crazy to see all of the baby things in OUR house! He said the kids are spoiled already and I told him to just wait as it will only get worse!!! :)
Both of the kids monitored much better this afternoon. We have decided our little girl doesn't like mornings... just like her mommy!!! ;)
Only 9 more days to go until our second goal of 32 weeks!!!
Nicole,
ReplyDeleteI understand about being scared of being a new mom, but you can do this. I was on bed-rest frequently w/ my girls and at times I went stir crazy, but I survived. I was grateful it was not in a hospital but you have been a great job. I had 2 daughters the normal way, then my 3rd daughter came along and I lost all my fluid. Major problem as you know, my doctor wanted to take her that very day but I begged for 2 days so my Mom could drive 8 hours to be w/ me and care for my other girls at home. He agreed b/c he did not want to take home my other children. My husband at that time drove truck and was out on the road b/c it was early. He did make it home but did not want to be in the delivery room, he was scared. When I went in to deliver I was only 36 weeks to the day, this terrified me. I knew She would be small and may have problems. Anyway Mom made it and we went to have my youngest tried inducing, she was not cooperative. Eventually they stated we had to do a C-section which I was against but understood it was to save her life. They completed my C-section w/ my Mom holding my hand, Mom held my daughter first, stated she was crazy tiny in my eyes at 5 lb. 10 oz. but the doctors were thrilled. Mom brought her to my face b/c I was the only part of me I could feel, so that I could bond with her. Was I scared? Hell yes, but I trusted my doctor and my mom to make the best decisions for her b/c my mom was an OB nurse for years. I had no clothes for a premie had to buy them, beg people for them, and everything. My daughter before her weighed 9 lbs. 2 weeks early. The doctors believed my youngest would have weighed 9 lbs. full term too. She was tiny and delicate but she was fierce and a fighter. She was colicky but mine and I loved her w/ all my might. They thought my milk would not come in b/c of being early, they were wrong. She nursed for 14 months! She bonded well and did not like bottles even of my breast milk. She grew slowly and was behind on crawling and rolling over but I kept working with her and loving her. She walked at 10 months earlier than my other 2. She is now 10 years old and smart as a whip. Is she small? Yes, but mighty cannot even describe her. She did just fine and so will your babies. Ask if the twins can be in a crib together to keep that bond, sometimes it helps. I understand this b/c twins run in our family. It is okay to feel all you are feeling, it is okay to cry and not be strong. It is okay to be needy and ask questions and to worried. I was wondering when this would come. Please know I am here for you. I hope that sharing my story will help you.
I just wanted to pop my head in and say that you are doing awesome and that at this point you have every reason to anticipate that your babies will be healthy. That is a blessing, and at the same time you are facing a NICU stay, and that is a profound sadness. Yes, there are babies who will have greater needs than your LOs, who will have permanent deficits, and you are very lucky to be delivering around 31 weeks rather than 26. None of that invalidates the grief and trauma that you (like every NICU mom) will experience. My babies were feeders and growers and extremely healthy for their GA, but the reality is that I was seeing them about ten weeks before they were ready for the world, and the process of their brains developing and sometimes forgetting to breath is something that, as mothers, we were never meant to see. We were never meant to only be allowed to hold our babies for an hour or two a day for the first few days or weeks of their lives. It is a loss and it is normal and healthy to grieve it. That can be really hard when we are trying to be strong for our babies, and every NICU mom fights this battle her own way. I fought it by running myself into the ground to be with my babies as much as possible, skipping meals, barely sleeping, and turning inwards on myself and holding my pain close to me. Being who I am, I couldn't have done it any differently. I hope you are able to be more gentle with yourself when the time comes, but the NICU pushes our strengths and tests our weaknesses like nothing else, and I am sending you wishes for as much peace as you can find in an emotional war zone. The fact that you are being able to do some processing through your blog and reach out to other NICU moms at the Bump etc. is a good thing, because the sense of being alone in this struggle can be overwhelming. Our family continues to keep yours in our thoughts!
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